Your Horoscopes – January 13, 2015

Aries | You’re still out drinking with friends when a cheesy movie playing in the background somehow makes it not funny anymore.

Taurus | You’re standing around asking friends what the heck they’re talking about in the bar when they magically turn into dolphins.

Gemini | A passionate blowjob and more fabulous self-invents this week as you learn about your divine right to orgasm.

Cancer | There’s no disease known to man that means you could have easily been a supporting actress in Marlee Matlin’s 2003 film Huckabees.

Leo | You can’t believe the whole world just forgot about you and took it for granted that you have no better life than they do.

Virgo | Your idea of a good time is working your way through a nuclear situation while someone else does all the heavy lifting.

Libra | As you approach the unknown, you’ll be following the constant fear and trepidation of a 37-year-old Kenyan boxing champion.

Scorpio | Your rendition of “Old MacDonald Had A Farm” won’t be long for this earth.

Sagittarius | The strange and splendid thing about the way life works is that it doesn’t happen quite as we expect it to.

Capricorn | You’ll be splitting your conscience for thought this week when you think back on the time you murdered someone.

Aquarius | You’ll discover that you’re not alone in your dreams and that it’s just you and your brother versus the devil.

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